You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
