I am puke
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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