Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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