it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
