Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
