apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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