I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
