i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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