the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
