I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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