I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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