I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize