Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
