Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
