the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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