I like to think it a success when the cops are called
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
