do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
