you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
