i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
