im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she smelled like a LAN party
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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