so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
