some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
