dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
