My friends, they love my intelligence
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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