Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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