My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
try to milk me bitch
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
