Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize