3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
