I bet he comes in French.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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