listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
