All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
