that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
