i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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