i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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