I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
