Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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