He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
