thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
