Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
