Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
