Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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