and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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