ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Randomize
