You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
