it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I want to fling myself into the sun
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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