My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
