If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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