He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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