the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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