Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
