Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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