Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
