It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
