Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
