i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
