glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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