The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
